Zak Hond 6 - 4 Southend
"The re-match"
Everything was in place, we'd been looking forward to it since the draw was made. A chance for revenge.
Preparations had started early. In fact we'd been practising for nearly the whole year. We'd become experts, we were now the grand masters of 3 man, we'd got a minibus and even brought Cliff Lockwood out of retirement for the event, the Zaks were in for a shock this time.
And what happened - TOUCH CUP!
Still, first to the game. Lets start fast said the captain, the Zaks had all been out on their christmas do the night before and they all looked like shit (they really did!). 5 - 0 down at half time and all looked lost, nice fast start (that Arnold bloke will never Captain us again!).
The second half was much better, some tactical changes with Styles Snr moving into midfield and Strawberry up front and Luke Danbrook coming on at the back for the veteran Lockwood and Southend looked much better. We started to look really good when Chris Crowhurst took a swipe at one of their players and got himself sent off and we were down to 10 men. All of a sudden we scored (Neil "Strawberry" Utton from a short corner would you believe!) and we were back in the game. We can win it was the cry in true "Escape to Victory" style.
Strawberry notched two more shorts and Zak Hond scored another to make the score 6 - 3, when Southend got a short corner and the umpire blew the final whistle. The scene was set.......... it was Luke Danbrook's 18th birthday after all, and we couldn't win. Let him have it, I said to Strawberry. Crowhurst (the Essex star) dragged the ball out (he'd done it a thousand times at Essex practices) this would be Danbrooks finest moment. Anyway Crowhurst completely mucked up the drag out and sent it to Rob "Nobby" Styles (he of the F 14, flew in to the top corner fame, from the day before). Styles flexed his muscles and gave it his all. The ball dribbled along the floor, and somehow went in the bottom corner. The big question now needed to be answered. Who should we award the burberry suit to?
Would it be Crowhurst for the yellow card and the drag out from the short?
Would it be Styles Snr for one of the worst goals ever seen?
Would it be Danbrook as it was his birthday?
Or should we give it to the Zak Hond player who was on the line?
Anyway, we enjoyed the game and we were looking forward to showing how good we were at 3 man. Disappointingly it appeared the word was out, Southend had been playing all year and were really good. We thought the Zaks were quick on the pitch but they were really quick at running from the bar. One of them stayed (he tried hard but he knew he couldn't win on his own even if he invented the game!) and we showed how good we were at these drinking games by mastering Touch Cup too. There are rumours that we may see the Zaks at Canvey some time (wait til they meet sand based astros and Southend drinking games like trouser man and magic boomerang). They won the hockey, we won at the bar. Bring it on.
Lastly, we apologise to the street cleaners of Hampstead (Styles Jnr) and South Mimms (Chucky) as well as to Mrs Lockwood and the man who was admitted to hospital when a shoe hit his head when it came flying out from a minibus on the parkway.
Burberry Suit winner - Crowhurst
Team - Scott (Played Well), Styles Snr (much better in midfield than sweeper), Mellish (why is his nickname Chucky?), C Lockwood (Welcome back from retirement), Danbrook (Happy Birthday and I can't believe you used to be a girl), Arnold Capt (never again), Styles Jnr (thats what happens to you if you drink neat Stella rather than Stella tops), Crompton (thanks for driving the bus), J Lockwood (played great - a future star in the making on the pitch and in the drinking games), Crowhurst (see above), Reynolds (you should come out more often), Benson (I would have made the difference if they'd let me on), Hayman (back to the olden days, couldn't last a whole game), Utton (hat trick man).
Goals - Utton 3, Styles Snr
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